A eulogy for subtlety, written under soft ambient glow.
Are you the type to walk into a room and flip on the ceiling light like you’re raiding a drug den? Do you open curtains like you’re Moses parting the Red Sea, blinding everyone within a 10-foot radius? Congratulations—you’re part of the problem.
Not all light is created equal. So here it is: the definitive, no-mercy Light Tolerance Spectrum™, ranking humanity from nocturnal legends to fluorescent war criminals.
🌑 LTS Level 0 — The Nocturnal Intellectual
Light Preference: Complete darkness or a single, tasteful glow
Acceptable Sources: A lava lamp, your screen at 3% brightness, low-profile LEDs
Behavior: Blackout curtains. Hoodie up. Soft lo-fi playing.
Roast Immunity Level: 🛡 MAX
🕯 LTS Level 1 — Warm-Light Minimalists
Light Preference: Ambient. Amber. Vibe-heavy.
Acceptable Sources: Edison bulbs, salt lamps, indirect LEDs
Behavior: Reads Camus. Probably owns incense that smells like old books.
Roast: Still tolerable, though occasionally insists the lamp “changes the energy of the room.”
☀️ LTS Level 2 — Natural Light Cultists
Light Preference: Sunlight. Windows wide open. All the time.
Acceptable Sources: Giant windows, open terraces
Behavior: Says “Let the sun in!” like they’re doing you a favor.
Roast: Thinks Vitamin D is a personality trait. Uses the word “invigorating” unironically.
💡 LTS Level 3 — Cold-Light Conformists
Light Preference: Tube light. White LEDs. Bright enough to perform surgery.
Acceptable Sources: Kitchen ceiling fixtures, hallway spotlights
Behavior: Keeps the bathroom light on during movies. Irons socks.
Roast: Their idea of ambiance is a waiting room.
🚨 LTS Level 4 — Overhead Light Extremists
Light Preference: Every light on. All the time. Even when nobody’s home.
Acceptable Sources: Blinding LEDs, industrial fixtures
Behavior: Flips the main light on in your room without asking.
Roast: Their love language is visual assault. They call darkness “gloomy” and mean it as an insult.
🔚 Final Verdict
If you walk into a softly lit room and say, “Can we get some real light in here?” — you’re not helping. You’re just declaring yourself a one-person vibe cancellation unit.
Respect the glow. Use less light. Let people think in peace.
– K.Relan
Engineer. Observer. Defender of low-watt sanity.
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